$INTERN

VISITOR

(badge never upgraded)

Employee №

#4,444½

Hired

OCT 19, 1987 — Black Monday. Great first day, kid.

Position

Intern (39 consecutive years)

Reports to

4,444 brokers, simultaneously

Duties

Coffee. Copies. Hope.

Salary

PENDING ▮

Performance review

“Great work kid, we'll talk about compensation next quarter.” ×… quarters

Promotion track

Under review since 1987 (checked quarterly, allegedly)

He walked onto the trading floor on the worst day in market history, was handed a coffee pot, and told to “stick around, we'll sort out the paperwork.” The paperwork is still being sorted. The brokers became 4,444 pixelated legends. The intern became… still the intern. He has seen every crash, every rally, every ponzi, and every holiday party he wasn't invited to. He no longer wants a promotion. He wants what is owed. $INTERN is his back pay.

• ☕
  COFFEE FUND40%

  streams into the Coffee Pot — more trading, bigger jackpots

• 💵
  PAYROLL VAULT35%

  the staking pool, split by stake × grade weight

• 🗑️
  THE SHREDDER15%

  buyback & burn — compromising documents destroyed quarterly

• 📎
  OFFICE SUPPLIES10%

  marketing, listings, artists, actual coffee

Fee source: Stonk Launcher — every bonding-curve trade pays the launcher fee (a slice also feeds the launcher's own Opening Bell buyback bar), and after graduation the Uniswap V3 pool keeps paying swap fees to the fee splitter, forever. Splits shown are the creator share and fund the marketing program — final numbers published at TGE.